When I look back I don't what to think "what if?"

Since it's about to be the end of the year I feel like I need to write a blog about 2014. This has probably been the most eventful and interesting year I have ever had! I have had some many ups and downs this year and made a lot of mistakes but I wouldn't change any of it because I got life lessons out of them and learned things about myself I never would have if I hadn't made the decisions I did. There were two big changes in my life that made the most impact this year which is I turned 21 and I ended a relationship of 4 years. Turning 21 has made such an impact because most of the mistakes I have made or trouble I've gotten myself into was caused by drinking or going to a bar. My grandparents seem to think I go out every night and party which is not at all accurate, I go out maybe twice every month. The reason I go to bars and drink or even go to a friends house and drink is because I like to relax and have a good time. For some reason though something always goes wrong when I try to go out and have a good time. like in Florida they kept thinking my license was fake because I apparently look like an 18 year old or recently when me and my friend went to a place called skybar and when I tried to get my card back from being on tab they claimed I had been using someones stolen card. I guess how I could solve things from going wrong would be to stop going out (My grandparents would LOVE that but it's not likely) or to take someone with us that isn't going to drink but it's really hard to find someone to tag along if they don't get to drink like everyone else. Ending my relationship with the guy I was with for four years taught me to be more independent. I never want to rely on someone as much as I relied on him because I need to be able to do stuff for myself and when you rely on someone so much and they don't come through it's so disappointing so it's just better to not rely on someone so much. It also taught me what things I am and am not looking for in a significant other and that I need to get to know them before I jump into a relationship out of loneliness or excitement. This year has been full of firsts, fears, tears, laughter, trips I'll never forget, and some nights I'll probably never remember.

people grow with each other or grow apart.

I haven't been able to put into words about how I feel about my recent breakup from someone I was with for four years but I need to say something or I'm going to go insane. I feel like since I'm the one that broke 

up with him people act like I'm not allowed to be upset about it and my feelings are inadequate. The thing is I didn't break up with him because I cared less about him than he did about me, in fact sometimes I felt like I cared too much and he didn't care enough. I don't doubt for a second that he loved me but sometimes I doubt if I loved him but then I get to thinking about it and I did love him but I feel like the last two years of our relationship we grew apart and i grew out of love with him.One problem with our relationship was we are exact opposites and I know they say "opposites attract"  but when you're so opposite that you have nothing in common it's hard to get along and do things you both enjoy. When we were dating I would try my hardest to do things he enjoyed like play video games with him even if I didn't really like the video game I would do it because I knew it was something he likes but then when I tried to get him to watch a TV show with me he would complain about it and make fun of the show that I enjoyed watching. When I Broke up with him he was upset more so than I and asked for me to give him another chance but I had been trying to make this relationship work for two years and nothing ever seemed to change. We are both at fault when it comes to why I broke up with him but at times I feel like I asked too much of him and expected more from him than what he could do. After I broke up with him he started watching shows that I had suggested to him when we were dating and reading books that I liked and (god I know this is the STUPIDEST thing ever but) started using his facebook which he never did when we dated which bugged the crap out of me for some stupid reason. The point I'm trying to get at here though is he never tried to give the things I liked a chance when we were dating but now that we aren't he is and it pisses me off so bad because I don't understand why he couldn't have done this when we were dating! It also pisses me off because it just seems so disingenuous and just a way to get me back. I feel like I'm getting over that stage of anger though and now it's turned into missing him and randomly remembering stuff like when I'm getting ready I'll remember how he use to bug me for taking so long, how much he use to make me laugh, the times he would dye my hair for me, playing board games with him and my family, that time we carved pumpkins together and so many other memories I'm sure will sneak up on me at the most random time and make me miss how our relationship use to be and long for when everything wasn't so messed up. I was so dependent on him so at times it's really hard for me to do certain things without him and be independent. Its so hard to be alone after being with someone for so long and I get really lonely at times and miss having a boyfriend. Even though we are so opposite and don't seem compatible at all, I'm terrified that I'm not going to find someone who treated me as good as he treated me because despite out differences he did treat me right.